Well, today certainly looks like it’s going to be another long day… After all, it’s 1:48 am and I’ve had all of no sleep tonight. So if this post rambles on and makes absolutely no sense, I suppose we can chalk it up to being the mirror reflection of what my year currently looks like.

***In all honesty, this post is more for me to vent than to say anything useful 
and I would apologise but I figure that if you're still reading this chances are
you need a venting session too so I'm going to go out on a limb (no pun intended) and say comment below and get it off your chest.***

Back to the topic at hand. First, for those of you who know me you would know that I am currently in the process of sorting through the mess last year left me with. Everything from my health to my academic performance were thoroughly ransacked. Leaving me an empty, half-here-half-there shell of the person I am. Every day tasks have become my biggest downfall and the first thing I dread doing.

Now, you’re probably thinking: “meh, she’s exaggerating”

Unfortunately, I’ve had days when the thought of getting out of bed makes me cry quietly to myself before I actually get out of bed. (Good thing I’m always awake at least three hours earlier and have time to indulge my new habit…. even if it does mean I now need four hour naps in the middle of the day.)

I’ve never felt so frustrated in my life and unfortunately for the people around me the less sleep I get or food I can physically eat the crankier I get. I know everyone is trying to help. But if one more person (who has never heard of CRPS) tells me to try a detox regime or about their niece who had a “really horrible muscle spasm like yours” and went to some back alley “mumbo jumbo” remedy man, I will not be held liable for the damages caused to that person…

Until, you experience the pain I’m in or know about my condition save the preaching for your congregation and leave the choir alone. When  you understand what I mean by “I am constantly in pain at all times during the day and it just depends what intensity you catch me at” can you judge me for my morbid sense of humor when I reply to “how are you?” with “Unfortunately, not dead yet…”.

How do I know someone has never heard of CRPS? Simple, they ask what exactly is wrong with my wrist and I’ll tell them only for them to scrunch up your forehead, pretend to understand and then throw advice to me hoping it comes off as being helpful. Sometimes they ask me to clarify what it is and ooo and ahhh in places to show they care and then slip into “I’m a med school student and I know it all so let me show you what you should do…”

My reaction: “Cool Story, Bro” before I mentally picture myself chucking my splint at them and yelling “Who’s in pain now bitchachi”

In all honesty though, the truth is it sucks. It sucks to constantly need to explain what’s wrong with you and to send people to google it because they don’t understand you. It sucks to not look as sick and sore as you feel. There is no feeling worse than the look of disbelief in someone’s eyes when they think you’re making it up. Not because they think it but because deep inside you ask yourself that question every day.

“Did I invent this pain in my mind?”

“Am I actually sore?”

“Am I imagining it?”

Other people don’t realise it but their actions only validate my negative thoughts. The strange looks, the whispered rumours…. Walking up to me and asking if I’m just trying to get out of dissections. The look of shock they get when I put a name to my disease and they’re forced to accept I may actually be a defective human.

Yes, there are a few who try hard to understand it. To figure it out and actually help. My best friend comes to every single OT session I need just so that ” I won’t walk through the hospital looking like a varsity freak alone.” Another super close friend has given up nights of sleep to talk me through particularly bad nights. My parents are at my side through most of the rough parts….

They try. They really do.

But how will they understand when I myself can not fathom it.

Lost in the Pain,

BrokeBella

 **I'm also taking this as my opportunity to apologize for my sporadic blogging 
patterns...I am governed solely by my level of energy and pain when I get home.***