Stuck

That’s the only word I can think of to describe where my mind has been in the last three months. Something was wrong. Seriously, severely and completely wrong.

My thought process was clouded. My ideas jumpy and unfocused and for some reason no matter how hard I studied or how much effort I put into my campus work I seemed to be getting the same negative responses. My marks were slipping. My mind was drifting. My motivation… Well, to be quiet honest, that doesn’t even exist any more.

It’s like floating. But face down in the dead of night with no lights shining into the water and not a ripple around your rather still semi-dead body. Things happen around you not to you, at least that’s how it feels. Whether it’s people having a good time or breaking down into a not-so-appealing hot mess, you’re sort of just standing there staring at them blankly…

And then the strangest thing happened. Suddenly, it wasn’t just a blank stare, it was a blank pain stare because pain laced it’s way around your shoulder, down your arm and across your fingers. Gently intertwining and twisting to drag across your knuckles in an intricate embroidered design across your most used metacarpals.

The funny part is, I never linked the two. I never put my slowly developing hatred for the career I’d chosen to the vile pain that clung to my innocent hand like the vice-grip of an abusive lover. No surprise there though, I’d always been a little slow when it came to making emotional connections when they affected me.

So here I stand, three months  later, staring at myself in the mirror with clear horror written all over my panicked features.

Why?

Isn’t it obvious?

I’ve just realized, that much like a woman who is in an abusive relationship and refuses to leave because she thinks she loves the man, I am killing myself and sacrificing my soul and sanity for a love that was never mine… Stuck because I convinced myself this is what \i wanted to do for the rest of my life.

With The passion gone and the feelings dwindling away more each day, I am shackled and chained without an escape.