After opening myself up to questions from my readers, I was inundated with girls asking me how I decided to get married and whether I had been as terrified as they are about getting married in case I had a terrible mum-in-law. These questions truly scare me. Have we really lost our ability to trust in love and happiness?

It’s sad to see that generations of girls no longer see marriage as something beautiful. Instead they fear becoming a statistic or a horror story told on Facebook and in magazines (with their names concealed and changed). An entire age of women feel terror instead of dreamy-eyed bliss when thinking about their big day. They dread having a new family, moving out of their comfy homes and into another but most of all they fear the idea of marriage itself…

Wallahi, the stories I hear these days about failed marriages makes me so scared.

— Fah. (@Fah_Hassim) April 2, 2017

As I reflected and mulled over these thoughts, I began to see a trend. I noticed posts (like one about 15 mother-in-laws to punch or something macabre like that) on social media that appropriated and legitimized these fears and twisted ideas across number of different social media platforms. Gone were the posts of wishing for a spouse or wondering what the guy you’ll marry some day is doing. Instead posts of how no one is loyal, love is a farce and marriage nothing more than a means to trap girls and make them slaves to their in-laws populated my timeline. When had marriage turned so ugly? The longer I contemplated it and researched it the more I started questioning what I think and experience about marriage.

Was my life just too good to be true? Was having a good relationship with your mum in law and taking her as your own mother really that unheard of? Or have we simply been so focused on showing the bad side of marriage to raise awareness of what happens to some that we’ve allowed it to redefine the once beautiful  institution of marriage? Have we truly allowed the horror stories we hear to become the face of all marriages?

From my experience, it seems people expect mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to clash before they’ve even had a chance to properly meet. Every time anyone messaged me after the wedding the first thing they asked, in a rather judgmental tone, was “and the mother-in-law? how is she?” I could never quite understand the need to ask me this and since I considered my mum-in-law a mother this question often left me gaping at my phone in shock then typing a quick reply saying, “She’s amazing to be honest” and quickly removing myself from the conversation.

The more it happened the more I realised that marriage and mother-in-laws is only spoken about when the relationships turn sour. Now it’s a common expectation that the relationship will always be ugly and that for me is true sadness.

For, it’s mostly the attitude you go in with that defines the outcome of any situation(not just in marriage but for life in general) .  So if women are already going into their marriage with these negative conceptions does their marriage and relationship with their mother-in-law ever stand a chance?

One of the questions, I received was worded in a desperately terrified tone and simply said, “how do you talk to your mother in law?”

After I got married, I realised that my mum-in-law was human too and almost as nervous about me coming into her family as I was. She knew her kids, their likes, dislikes, allergies etc but I was unknown to her. I was the child she would need to learn about. The child she’d meet and grow to know but wasn’t allowed the chance to mould from birth. Similarly, She was the mum I’d have to learn to talk to, befriend and ask advice from.

So I started with just simply smiling at her and she smiled back.  Then the usual awkward pleasantries started and as we spoke I grew less nervous. My granny’s advice echoed in my mind, “Make your mother-in-law your best friend. Your life will be easy then.” I was in a  new place with new people so these words made more and more sense.

Every day I realize that just like my mum wanted what was best for me and my husband she too wants the same. She wants to see her son happy and I want to make him happy. Since she has known him much longer than I do, who better to teach me?

Much like any relationship or friendship, the relationship between mother in law and daughter in law (I’ve realised) takes effort and compromise from both parties. And as we navigate these uncharted waters, I hope that as we work and live together we will be able to nurture the relationship we have started with.

My advice to anyone scared is to look for someone who makes your heart feel peace. Our minds may be clouded and our eyes blinded by love but our hearts will always see clearly. Trust your gut and take your leap of faith. Fall into the arms of the one made for you.

I might not be able to change the painful stories of those who are hurt or abused in their marriages but maybe my story will give hope to all the girls who are dreading marriage and too scared to fall in love….

Stay positive.
Fall in love.
Have your halaal fairy tale.

Working my way through mine,
Brokebella