Every day I wake up and fight with myself to get out of bed and face the dawn with a smile. Sword at the ready to take on the demons waiting patiently to attack. Every day the shadows creep closer and every day I push them further away. It’s a constant battle. A new pain, a new ache and a new scar to prove that each day came and went leaving me as the survivor.
Neil Armstrong said “Every human has a finite amount of heart beats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine”
With that in mind, is it any wonder that my heart cries to see the world, taste the sweetness of freedom and the purity
of true love. Should we not all want to discover the wonders that mark the edges of the map and explore the enchanting forests that lay far from the destructive eyes of human kind. Am I weird for yearning to feel the warm embrace of a child who has never felt the love of a mother? Or wipe the tears of a baby who was rescued from a disaster?
Am I strange for wanting to leave my mark on the world in kind not cash? Should I be worried that my heart yearns not for the usual gold and glitter but rather the warm spread of gratitude from those whom I help? Does it make me less or more human if my mind is not on money and rather on how much of a difference my presence can make to those around me?
I do not shun those who think differently from me. Rather I approach them as a source of information, a new idea, something to learn and understand. My heart races for the chance to gather more insight into the workings of their mind.
I am a dreamer. A helper. A reader. A learner and hopefully some day even a teacher.
I want to experience the promises life has made. Everything from hardship to happiness has its place and sometimes one will lead to the next… We cannot rush destiny nor deny it and as I feel the thump of one heart beat then the next, I am acutely aware that the less I do the more time I waste. So I use the simple thump thump thump as my motivation to seek out things that make each beat count.
I’ve learnt to surround myself with people who make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. People who have hearts that beat in sync with mine. People who add to the melody not draw away from it. I have promised myself to no longer waste heart beats on those who bring sadness, disappointment, pain and anger. I vow to focus heart beats on those who build me up and not those who break me down to stroke their own egos. I will not waste heart beats on grudges nor shadows from my past when I can spend them on the bright promises of my future.
I am spending my heart beats laughing, loving and sometimes sneezing (because let’s face it all those hikes through forests are absolute torture for ones sinuses). The world is a place full of undiscovered gems and un-pushed boundaries. I refuse to have my life dictated to me by those who have never ventured out of their tiny office blocks and into the vast wilderness. The day they can say they have seen it all, I will no longer search for a new way to give my heart beats a meaning.
Maybe it’s just me but something about dancing in the rain barefoot in a giant tee shirt seems more appealing than working eight to five days and never feeling the splash of a rain drop on my cheek. I want to finger paint with five year olds and roll down hills with a three year old. I want to love and be loved. I want to bake a ton of chocolate chip cookies for no apparent reason. I shall spend days painting random scenes and nights walking in the moonlight. I will read as many books as I possibly can and reread all my favorites until their pages begin to fade and disintegrate.
Why? Because these are the things that take those eighty beats a minute and turns them into golden memories etched into the minds and souls of those around us.
For at the end of the day I am merely “a tornado with pretty eyes and a heartbeat.”
Spending the rest of my heartbeats,
xoxo
BrokeBella.
Brokebella 
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